Through the waking hours, I somehow go on. When I sleep, the nightmares come. Familiar figures become enemies, strange beings that try to attack me. And I am alone, or hold on for support to friends from forgotten memories. I wake again, and feel hopeless, suffocated. I see injustice around me, and apathy, and amorality, and I do not know how to stop it. I interfere, and the results perhaps worsen. My good intentions are stairs leading nowhere. No one is good enough to tell me what to do, what is certain, what is moral, what I should do even though it means sacrificing my interest. My heart is cunning and treacherous and has walled itself. My brain moves in mysterious delirious paths. I feel no reason to live and no courage to die. Only hope remains, and that too seems a mirage.

Eli, Eli, Lama Sabachthani?

Why have you turned your face away from me?
Have I sinned?
Did you not promise to stay with me even though I was not strong all the moments of my life?
Why do you desert me now that I am trying to be good and courageous?

I have no hopes from men. If you forsake me, who shall I have?

I find you in my tears. I embrace you in my pain. When I am too broken to think of anything but you, there are you, golden, waiting for me.

You are dark, and into your arms like dark fire, I run. You cool my soul, you soothe my dreams, you lead me to green pastures.

In a thousand strange faces I have sought you, their hearts were cold, though I sought warmth in their embrace. I sought you in them, but you were not of them. In my pain were you, in my tears, in my joy are you, and in my hope. You are in my heart, and you are everywhere, the others are only veils to hide your warmth.

Burning as the Yule log, you are my memory, my myrrh and my frankincense, the beauty of every form I have adored, the ardor of my sins, and the scarlet of my blush, the melody of every note I have heard and every song I have sung from evening to dawn and from dawn to night, you are every word that has given me solace and every word that has fanned my lust for you, you are the stars that alone have seen me cry and the sun who has dried my tears, you are the honey in the spring breeze, and the good that is in each man, you are my punishment and the red bruises of my memory, you are my reward, you are what I have mistakenly sought in every man, and you are that which makes them desirable, you are the final meaning of everything, you are my love, my virtue, my chastity, my pride. You are a lion among the gods and a wolf among men, the anger in the lightning and the smile of the first rain. You are everyone and everything I see, there is nothing beside you, you trap me in icy forms, you set me free from the glass of this world. You are all right and all wrong, all that I have ever desired, all that I ever shall desire, the fullness of incomplete flesh, the fullness of incomplete spirit, the truth of all religions and the untruth of all flesh. You are beauty and blindness, the song the deaf can hear. Come to me,bring me to yourself, let no veil stop our union. Let my flesh be a sacrifice to you, and my spirit an evening hymn. Beauty of beautiful forms, blood of kinship, you who are all, I am drunk in you and I feel no shame. Let me realize you, be naked to me, do not hide yourself. I am an empty well that thirsts for you, a spring in summer, a barbarian’s heart. Joy of my loins, salvation of my soul, my God, my spouse, come to me tonight.

I sacrifice myself to you, let this smoke show you the way to my bed and the stars be a nuptial flower.

Ps: both this post and the post after it, namely the song “you are the infinite sky” were written last night, 7-8 april. 2008. It was while writing the above post that acute despair gradually began to change into joy.

Pps: might be an example of bipolar disorder with short duration cycles lolz or of Deus ex machina 

Scio amo